Sitting & Waiting

struggles

we have a love :: hate relationship. 

I know you bring beauty, and you are essential to growth.

[ but ]

why must you be so painful? 

why must you push the boundaries and comfort I have created?

don’t you know the work I have put in?

 what I have already faced? 

Everyday I encourage the struggle in my students. That is, quite often, my favorite part. To see them in the midst of it, so hopeless, and watch it happen. That miraculous, irreplaceable moment, where the lightbulb comes on, and they realize its worth.

I’ve had my share of change in the past, but this season is different than the rest. It is a call to sit in the uncomfortable. While all those insecurities brew and fester. My call is not to fix it or remedy it, but to just linger. 

To reveal my true foundation, what I give value, & what I allow to speak to my heart.

To expose what matters most to me. 

Dearest present & future struggles: Thank you for reminding me that if my foundation is anything, but my Abba, I will falter. Thank you for your inconvenience because it reminds me that this life is not mine to plan. Thank you for breaking me to mold me into something far more useful. Thank you that you are sent from Father to make me more like Him. 

Presently Messy.

{ living in the present }

downside: not everything is as you expected

upside: not everything is as you expected

While in search for what God asked of me in 2014.  I kept being brought back to the present. Where life happens and Father is moving.

but.

Aren't I already
there? with my bazillion well thought out INSTA gram photos and videos...

With every photo I take and perfectly placed moment, I miss what is really happening.

the present.

In the present emotions can be left raw and bare. love can be experienced in the beauty of the moment. our papas plans can be lived, instead of documented.

I was recently asked what was the most beautiful place I had seen in my travels...and I was left speechless. (which is hard to do)

I only came up with precious memories of giggling and sitting on dirt hills while singing Jesus loves me with my African friends ....or peering into my mamas eyes, in the Vatican, only to see her tear filled ones matched my own..... or sitting and drinking Swabian beer with my German buddies while watching the sunset over massive wheat fields.

Now many of those are exquisite within itself. Africa. Vatican. Sunsets. Swabian beer.

That was not what gave it its beauty. It was that moment. That irreplaceable moment. That time Father had planned for me and I allowed myself to be. To not think about plans to come or what I had done prior, but instead I was just there. Every part of me... was there.

So as I embark on this venture, I return to my writing as well. To unclench my fists and allow myself to  live present. in the vulnerable, uncontrollable, messy, and where my ever present Abba abides.

[ give ME this day ]

                                                                                                                                                                 

MY JESUS LOVES ME

my monthly $1,200 medicine is given to me for free

MY JESUS LOVES ME

I get to mentor 5 missionaries weekly

MY JESUS LOVES ME

I get exactly what I need to pay to bills and buy some coffee

MY JESUS LOVES ME

I get asked to house sit the day I get home from missionary work for a family i just met

MY JESUS LOVES ME

southwest airlines gave me $635 to take a later flight, and I didn’t even buy the ticket in the first place

MY JESUS LOVES ME

[and yet sometimes I forget]

Sometimes I think God why can’t i have a normal stable job.

 Sometimes i ask God what in the world are you doing, can you let me in on your plan?

and then He reminds me, HE LOVES ME and saves things for me not from me...and OH how incredible that is!

                                                                                                                                                                   

Coming home from Africa has been the most interesting season. I'm pretty sure my first Sunday back I went to church 4 times. I constantly, daily, momently recognize my desire for more of Jesus. I have seen Him meet every need and far exceed my expectations in the most random and unexpected.

I often feel like a wandering Israelite. Leaving a foreign land,  in hope of what is to come, and in the waiting.  The Lord was so faithful and consistent in their journey, but I wonder if they ever thought “Are we going to eat today?” I mean their manna just appeared. Out of no where. Can you imagine? Really think about it. Having no possible way to eat, and then waking up to just enough food right next to you. How can you not, just fall down on your knees in admiration. Yet I know their story all to well. The Lord does these beautiful signs and wonders right before my eyes, and here I am working on my golden calf so I can worship something tangible. When all along He is calling me to trust and commit my ways to Him knowing He will act.

Upon praying for this year, my german host brother, told me I was like a field being prepared for planting. But as any farmer would know the soil must be toiled with, tossed to and fro, worked in, and just right. The farmer has studied the soil well. He knows exactly what it needs to reap the best harvest. He cautioned me by saying, “Don’t try to make the field look all nice and perfect, unless the soil is prepared and ready.” Oh friends let me tell you, this soil of my soul is being prepared and refined for something big. Even as I know this and write this I laugh at myself. It seems like each moment I get, I look up to my Heavenly Father and ask, “Are we ready yet? Can we be ready now? I think this is the right time”,  Yet each morning He brings my manna and says this is your portion.

I know I will reach the promise land, but for now my lot is wondering. My call is to wander as purposely and faithful as possible knowing that my reaction is my testimony. Each moment Satan would love for me to doubt, but I can also choose to sing my Father’s sweet praises. So graciously I take the latter. I want to embrace each moment Father God has blessed me with. So I embrace being the crazy person singing off key to my Abba, praying far too loud, and taking any moment to serve and declare....

MY JESUS LOVES ME

..compelled..

For the LOVE of God COMPELS us

{ 2 corinthians 5:14 }

It is amazing the things God’s love will compel you to do. It breaks through walls that seemed steadfast, it passes through cultures as if it was routine, it causes us to run the marathon when we signed up for a 5K.

God’s love has compelled me far beyond what I thought I was entering, and the joy that has come through the obedience has been overwhelming. 

It is weird to think I have 2 months left in Ghana. No more rides in buses that should hold 6 people that are holding 15, or long walks to places that would take 5 minutes in car, no more “Obrunie” (white person) being yelled out from every car and walkway. The things that used to grab me so much in the beginning are some of the things I will miss the most. Even as I write that I laugh at the irony. These things caused me to be uncomfortable. They caused me to realized it is not my comfort that Father is interested in, rather my growth and character. 

“But if anyone loves God, he is know by God” 1 Cor. 8:3

I have come to realize that it is not about how much I do, but rather how much I love. The year of 2012 started off with 2 months confined in a bedroom. I learned more in those two months then I did in the first 5 months I spent here. I was called here to show God’s love through service, prayer, hugs, listening, and so much more. I have learned that I can not earn any gift my Lord gives freely, and how beautiful those gifts are.

 { many of you have asked }

WHAT’S NEXT?

I know the Lord is calling me back home. Just as He has called me to disciple and teach those out here. He has called me home to do the same. The thought of going home is both challenging and encouraging at the same time. There is something so comfortable about your home, yet I know I am not going to be comfortable but challenged. When questions of where I will work & sleep are looming... I will continue to keep the same posture that I have learned and developed.

 Here I am, use me....in any way, through any thing, use me ABBA 

Please continue to pray for the conferences that are to come. On May 12th I am running a youth conference that should have about 120-200 kids in attendance. We are talking to them about being a light in their school and community through Eph. 5:8. In a predominately Christian community it is not hard to recite verses and preach, but to reach out to the outcast and be a light in dark places is almost unheard of. I also know that I was brought here. To bring light, and I will not stop until my purpose has been accomplished. 

Thank you for your compelling love that has made this year possible, and for your constant prayers. Through your faithful prayers and those around me I have been able to experience some miracle days with my arthritis. I am trusting and knowing the Lord WILL restore my body to full health before I leave here. Through it all the Lord continues to remind me that He will never leave me or forsake me. There is nothing quite as beautiful as the promise that my Lord’s presence will never flee from me.

May you be compelled to go far beyond what is comfortable,

Jessica

FUN FAIR.

Camping out by the popcorn machine. They know what's up!

Announcing the Purpose of the Fun Fair. Felt like a camp counselor all over again.

Some of the students showing off their skills.

I have decided they are going to give me dance lessons. 

the girls from the Orphange.

LOVE those smiles.

VISION NIGHT

Setting up the Photo's that my roommate and I arranged. Thank God for tall Germans!

Directing the Tall GERMAN.

Registration Table. Where people..... Register

We had over 200 people come to our Vision Night. To hear all about PAIS and how they can get involved.

but WHY?

WHY.

As many read my blogs or hear my story you may be wondering why. Why am I in africa. Why do I continue to stay out here having mono/ misdiagnosed the malaria, and arthritis. Why did I quit my teaching job to become a missionary?

My answer is simple. When Jesus called me to go and make disciples of all nations in matt. 28.

 I couldn’t help but answer, “Here I am send me”

My life before was searching for all forms of comfort. Chance and vulnerability was to risky, so I steered clear. The Lord knew this about me. My life before took no actual reliance and trust in Father, but in case I ever needed to I knew he was there. I was the Martha, then the Lord called me to be Mary.

I do this because I know He has created me for this work.

I do this because as I go deeper and deeper into the heart of Abba I find rest and peace.

I do this because as I let go of my agenda and life, and take on His, I find life that is truly life.

Just like the rich young ruler who went to the Lord and asked how he could inherit eternal life in Mark 10: 17-22 and it says, “ Jesus, looking at him, loved him” so he asked him to give up what his heart held onto so dearly.

Jesus looked at me lovingly, and asked me to do the same.

I do this because He called, and I answered.

WHAT.

Many of you know I am missionary in Africa, but don’t quite know what we do as the Pais Project. Below I will try to briefly explain what we do.

• There are 29 of us from 7 different nations
• They are split up into 7 different teams partnering with 7 different churches
• Each teams visits 4-5 schools each week in their neighborhood
• At the schools they teach lessons such as “Seeking First God’s Kingdom” and “Reaping and Sowing”
• We also run clubs on Saturday afternoon that teach how to study God’s word, and how to use your gifts to serve the community
• Each team member also 3 students they mentor one on one
• Our main goal is to empower the young christians to be leaders and “missionaries” to their community, integrate new Christians into our churches, and establish clubs and bible studies that will carry on after we leave
• To find out more or read more stories go to www.paisproject.com

My job in all this.... I am the Training Director over all 7 teams. My main role is to prepare and equip all the apprentices. I run 4 main conferences throughout the year teaching and training them in: lesson planning and presentation, mentoring, school relationships, and their own personal bible study. I am truly passionate about mentoring as I know this is a key component to seeing change, and developing not just good people but passionate leaders for the Lord.

HOW.

How have we done so far? 

• Our teams are working in 43 different schools
• We are mentoring 57 students on an individual basis
• Every team is running clubs on Friday or Saturday with at least 30 kids coming each week
• There have been 20 students integrated into their local church

Along with that I have seen.

• A student that I mentored last year come to Christ this year!
• Through your support I have been able to sponsor a Ghanaian apprentice to pay for her college application to become a doctor
• Students rise up to lead devotional groups and teach
• Apprentices who were afraid to pray in front of one person, preach entire lessons and lead prayer sessions for hours

Friends & Family.

Thank you for all that you have done to bring this vision to pass. Please continue to pray for health, as my body continues to get better and better. I hope you are inspired by my journey to go when Father calls. He may not call you to Africa. He very well may call you to your  backyard. I urge you to take hold of every opportunity you have to speak of His glorious work. His adventure is far worth any comfort you may be holding onto.

Remember our call.

“Go therefore and make disciples of ALL the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. teaching them to observe ALL that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Matthew 28:18-20

He has never left me or forsaken me, and there is no sweeter embrace in time of need then His.

We serve such a GOOD God.

Jessica