Sitting & Waiting

struggles

we have a love :: hate relationship. 

I know you bring beauty, and you are essential to growth.

[ but ]

why must you be so painful? 

why must you push the boundaries and comfort I have created?

don’t you know the work I have put in?

 what I have already faced? 

Everyday I encourage the struggle in my students. That is, quite often, my favorite part. To see them in the midst of it, so hopeless, and watch it happen. That miraculous, irreplaceable moment, where the lightbulb comes on, and they realize its worth.

I’ve had my share of change in the past, but this season is different than the rest. It is a call to sit in the uncomfortable. While all those insecurities brew and fester. My call is not to fix it or remedy it, but to just linger. 

To reveal my true foundation, what I give value, & what I allow to speak to my heart.

To expose what matters most to me. 

Dearest present & future struggles: Thank you for reminding me that if my foundation is anything, but my Abba, I will falter. Thank you for your inconvenience because it reminds me that this life is not mine to plan. Thank you for breaking me to mold me into something far more useful. Thank you that you are sent from Father to make me more like Him. 

Presently Messy.

{ living in the present }

downside: not everything is as you expected

upside: not everything is as you expected

While in search for what God asked of me in 2014.  I kept being brought back to the present. Where life happens and Father is moving.

but.

Aren't I already
there? with my bazillion well thought out INSTA gram photos and videos...

With every photo I take and perfectly placed moment, I miss what is really happening.

the present.

In the present emotions can be left raw and bare. love can be experienced in the beauty of the moment. our papas plans can be lived, instead of documented.

I was recently asked what was the most beautiful place I had seen in my travels...and I was left speechless. (which is hard to do)

I only came up with precious memories of giggling and sitting on dirt hills while singing Jesus loves me with my African friends ....or peering into my mamas eyes, in the Vatican, only to see her tear filled ones matched my own..... or sitting and drinking Swabian beer with my German buddies while watching the sunset over massive wheat fields.

Now many of those are exquisite within itself. Africa. Vatican. Sunsets. Swabian beer.

That was not what gave it its beauty. It was that moment. That irreplaceable moment. That time Father had planned for me and I allowed myself to be. To not think about plans to come or what I had done prior, but instead I was just there. Every part of me... was there.

So as I embark on this venture, I return to my writing as well. To unclench my fists and allow myself to  live present. in the vulnerable, uncontrollable, messy, and where my ever present Abba abides.